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What is bonding? Bonding happens when a parent and an infant form a unique connection with each other. The mother will develop intense attachment and overwhelming love for her child. This relationship becomes the building block for the baby’s development of his sense of self, which will also influence his ability to bond with other people, even his own children, in future.

Everyone reacts differently. Some women start feeling intensely the minute they discover they are pregnant. For others, it is love at first sight. For yet another group of women, the feeling may take a while longer to surface, especially if they had a difficult pregnancy or delivery. Emotions may be difficult to manage if a mother has ambivalent feelings or if her pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. These mothers often feel inadequate or guilty.

Mother-baby bonding is a complicated process that often takes place over time. The initial skin-to-skin contact can be a magical experience, and can be very soothing and reassuring for the baby.

The beginning of a close relationship between parents and child is helped by time alone together after birth – mother and baby are often encouraged to be kept together for that moment of bonding immediately after delivery. However, some mothers and babies have to be separated immediately after birth if, for example, the baby requires intensive care or if the mother is ill after a complicated delivery. Thus it is also important to recognise the possibility of forming close, loving relationships later on.

Bonding is not limited to a time frame after birth. You cannot force yourself to bond. Catch-up bonding can occur as long as you take care of your baby’s basic needs and cuddle him regularly. Your child will not know the difference and will not suffer repercussions if you do not feel a strong bond at first sight. You can make up for it by spending time together later. A true mother-child bond is a by-product of everyday care giving.

Over time, you will get to know your baby and learn how to anticipate his needs, interpret his cries, and soothe him accordingly. As you grow more confident in taking care of him, you will enjoy the time spent together. Your feelings will deepen and you will one day realise that you are filled with joy and love for your baby. That, is bonding.

Bonding is naturally easier when you are not exhausted by all the other things going on at home, such as housework or caring for an older child. It also helps when the people around you are supportive and help to develop confidence in your parenting skills. Remember that it is okay to ask family and friends for assistance in the days or weeks to come.

Breastfeeding produces the hormone, oxytocin, which enhances the closeness between mother and baby. Even if you cannot breastfeed, holding your child close to you while feeding will give you both a feeling of security and love.

Carried babies fuss less and are more quietly alert, the state in which they learn best. Physical closeness will allow you to quickly learn how to pick up on his cues and get to know him better.

Co-sleeping or sleeping closely helps a busy working mum reconnect with baby. It is also more convenient for a breastfeeding mother to nurse her baby. Trust is built when you respond to your baby’s cry and when you attend aptly to his needs.

If after a few weeks you still do not feel attached to or comfortable with your baby; if you harbour a sense of detachment from or resentment of your baby, seek help immediately. It may be difficult for a mother to admit to having negative feelings of indifference, fear, and rage about motherhood or the baby but it is important to brush the taboo aside and find someone to talk to and get help when these negative feelings arise.

The sooner a problem is identified, the better. Instead of procrastinating, it helps to relate to other new parents about your issues on bonding. If you have friends or relatives with young children, talk to them and share your difficulties. Often, they will be able to give helpful tips on how to cope. They may even share personal experiences on how they overcame it. It is reassuring to know that some parents go through difficult times like yourself and that you can get through it too.

Discuss your concerns with a doctor. Healthcare providers are trained and experienced in dealing with such issues. Early intervention can prevent your parent-child relationship from deteriorating. It can help you learn and form a bond with your child that will last a lifetime.

Article contributed by Dr Loretta Ang, Resident Physician from Mental Wellness Service at KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital

To find out more, contact the Mental Wellness Service at 6394 8083. To make an appointment, please call 6294 4050.